JUNE 1999 WINNER
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If you were in prison, who would you want as your bitch?
If I went to jail, I'll have your punk ass in my cell. You ain't tough geek. If you gave me crap, I'd beat you silly. I see how yu trying to be all macho & s**t. I'll eat you for breakfast beacuse you just some nerd trying be all cool. What you do know about being behind bars? You think jail is a joke. Let me tell you something about that bigshot guys like you get sliced or toss salads with some big fat guy whose tear of you d**k if you don't. You just some wannabee punk s**thead acting all gnagbanger & stuff. I bet you scream like a girl. Because that's what you'l do when I kick your ass. I hate assh**les like your trying to be all brave when you ain't even spend a day inside. Your just some gap wearing, mikel jackson listening d**k who can't get any p**sy. You just think its a big joke. F**k you d**k
When they gave me this segment, they said it would be great. Somehow my segment
became a bug light for wackos like you. But, hey, where else can I read such colorfully bizarre letters. I post a simple thought provoking question & I get hostility. Have you tried yoga? Let's get something straight, Mr.
Jail House Rock, I'd be your pimp daddy if we met in the slammer. That's right- I'd pass you off to Big Leroy for nothing more than a cup of Jell-O pudding. That's right you'd be playing 'hide the salami' & thank me for it! I'd have
"Property of Grover" tattooed on your shaved butt. Let me tell you something, Sweet Meat- I vicariously kicked ass in Nam (mainly through History channel specials, & Rambo I-III). I currently have 2 Medals of
Honor, a Silver Star, 4 Bronze Stars & 3 Purple Hearts.... thanks to the ridiculously low prices at Akbar & Skeeter's Novelty Shoppe
(shameless plug). Don't even try to intimidate me because I'm a very dangerous man. It says so on the certificate that's on my wall along with many other high quality products. Yes, Akbar & Skeeter will custom tailor fabulous novelty
products to meet your needs! A gangbanger wannabe, eh? Let me tell you something. I used to roll with The Coronets . That's right, esse! You weren't nobody until you flew the baby blue & fire pink colors of The
Coronets. We struck terror in the hearts of little fat children & the slow elderly. I got scars from fighting' our rivals- The Yentas- a motley crew of disgruntled Jewish Princesses from the mean streets of South Central Long Island. You
ain't felt pain until you've had a Yenta jam a bobby pin into your spleen. So don't be tell me I'm some wannabe, homes. I'm the real deal, vato... speaking of which, get a free copy of The Real Deal Newsletter by sending us a Unlike other newsletter, we at The Real Deal believe that our newsletter should not only inform but protect as well. That's why we employ cutting edge technology to bring you the latest in self defense utilities. The Real Deal Newsletter
doubles as a bulletproof vest, a billy club, a telescope, a missile launcher, a collapsible semi-automatic, etc. You deserve the Swiss Army knife of newsletters. Now, feel safe as you flip off someone on the freeway. No more worries of a coke
deal turning into shoot out as you get lost in a gang infested neighborhood. You can feel safe once more as you read the best wrestling news at your local crack park. Random drive by shootings are a thing of the past when you carry your free
copy of the multi-purpose Real Deal Newsletter. Isn't your life worth a measly 75 cents SASE? (outrageous claims maybe void on earth & it's territories) Let's get back.... Ok, there's no reason to say I scream like a little school girl.
Some of us are cursed with narrow tracheas, all right. We all can't talk like Barry Whit or James Earl Jones. By the way, don't be insulting Jacko. You know he's considered a music genius in other countries & parts of the mid west US. I
hear he's quite popular with the prison crowd. So be careful or you'll end up with a spoon in your rectum courtesy of the cell block D Michael Jackson Fan Club. How many gold records to you have? I suggest you stick to making moonshine &
rechanneling some of your anger.
Of the 517 responses received, we have tallied the most popular 'prison bitches' for each gender:
Male (322) choices for 'significant other' : Female (195) choices for 'significant other'
32% Leonardo DeCaprio 29% Jennifer Love Hewitt
29% Brad Pitt 26% Jennifer Lopez
18% Drew Carey 20% Denise Richards
7% James Van Der Beek 14% Other
6% Other 8% Brittney Spears
4% Hanson 2% Catherine Zeta Jones
2% "I'm NOT gay. But if I HAD to, I'd 1% Calista Flockhart
pick some guy who looks like a girl"
1% Jar Jar Binks