MARCH 1999 WINNER

     Jaleel White (Urkel from Family Matters) will beat the hell out of Don  Knots (Mr. Ferly from Three's Company) in a street fight. Do you  agree or disagree & why?

 Get real dude! Urkel will kick the s**t out of Ferly. Urkel's a homeboy who looks like he can open up a can of whoop ass. Ferly's old & he's got to come out of the closet. My money's on Urkel. Think I can have tixs to the ECW ppv if I win? You're one pissed off mofo. My friend, Evan who told me about this. Very cool!

 PS- Grover, how can I get this girl who's a friend to go out with me? I'm pretty sure that she's into me. Got any advice?

   Good call! Unlike some of the other losers that wrote in for Mr. Ferly, you've done your homework. Urkel will thrash Ferly to a pulp. Urkel has the genius factor. From my vast research (i.e. 4 episodes of Family Matters) on the subject, Urkel will invent something that will give him the upper edge in combat. Although Ferly has the experience & size, he's a wussy.

   As for Mr. Ferly's sexual preference, let me tell you that Ralph Ferly was a babe magnet for his day. That suave demeanor & happening threads that ooze machismo drove the ladies wild. This weakness will lead to his downfall. Urkel , an involuntary celibate  with all his pent up sexual frustration, will smash Ferly like piñata. Why do you suppose boxers abstain from sex before a fight? My money's on Urkel, as well.

   Ok, you get 2 tickets to ECW's Living Dangerously (which you've gone to by the time you read this). Lucky for you that we had some. You can reward your buddy for showing you our website by bringing him along. You'll even get to meet a few of us here from The Real Deal. If you promise not to irritate us, we can  bring you back stage where we'll make you & your buddy perform like circus monkeys. Who knows, you might walk away with some lose change! As always, you also get a special second prize selected by me. It's a rare piece of experimental artwork done by yours truly called "Lone Coffee Ring on Paper". No, this is no cheap reproduction. You've won an original Grover masterpiece!  As for dating advice, when the bloody hell did my column turn into Dear Abby? OK, let's do this properly. The things I do for love...

 Dear Confused Love Stricken Pimple Boy,
      Here are a few no-no's to telling a woman that you like her:
         Nice breasts… let's get it on!
         Say, wanna go to a wrestling show/monster truck rally with me?
         Boy, you look just like ma … only prettier!

   Well, you get the drift. Forget what you see on the tv, life isn't an Aaron Spelling story. Flowers & candy are fine but maybe bit too much when you're a teenager. Think simple & classic. Here's a cool move that my friend used on a girl once. He ended up dating her for 3 years. Ok, tell her that you're going window shopping. Girls love to do that stuff. This way you end up spending time with her. Make sure none of her yenta friends or your butt scratching buddies are around. Then casually drop into a video store & ask her if she wants to rent a movie.  Get some romantic comedy- Princess Bride, Can't Buy Me Love, Some Kind of Wonderful. Fight the urge to stroll over to the porno section. That's a date killer! Get some chocolate ice cream (Down boy! I bet you're thinking about that scene from 9 1/2 weeks? Forget it, loser) & go watch it at your house.

   Make sure your parents aren't in the room (it ruins the mood) or that your little brother is running around giving the family dog a rectal exam. Aren't little kids stupid? If your little brother is very little & cute, let him stay. Girls love cute little boys. Don't let on that you hate the little bastard. Enjoy the movie & afterwards, ask her to help you tuck the little guy in. She'll love that your sensitivity. Fight the compulsion to grope her. Dates hate that & it's a good way to damage your gonads. Now it's time to take her home. Walk her home if you can. If you live in a gang infested neighbourhood, run with her to her house. She'll admire your adventurous spirit (just be sure to wear neutral colours). This way you can tell her that you had a great time & hold hands during the walk/run. Yes, it's cheesy but think simple & romantic. If gunfire erupts, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. There's no reason that 2 people should get shot.

   Be cool.  Ok- the kiss. Try for the lips. If it looks like a miss, quickly go for the cheek (good save, Casanova). Remember- no pawing. She'll appreciate your simplicity (remember, your playing it cool). Congrats Romeo, your dream girl likes you.  Now run home & masturbate- you deserve it!

   Sometimes life throws you a curve ball- into your face! The dreaded "Let's just be friends" is verbal castration. Don't sweat it. She's probably a lesbian... atleast that's what you must try to convince yourself to hide the wretched misery. Love can be painful. Go dip  into to your college fund & get yourself a hooker. That should make your forget your troubles for awhile. You can't buy love but you can rent it for a night.

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